Most people dread going back to work on Monday, but this was different.
This wasn’t about wanting more free time. This was about a new work environment that was completely out of my social comfort zone.
And it was painful. 😖
So painful to have to fight my feelings and force myself into a situation my subconscious saw as a threat.
So painful to have to push past self-preservation and put myself in a vulnerable position…
Over and over again.
So painful that I would call out on Mondays just to avoid staff meetings.
On the plus side, I could call out by text without much explanation.
What a relief!
Because in the past, I would have SO much fear around calling out from work that I would do a no-call, no-show.
And sometimes, that job would never see me again.
But at this stage in my life, stability was important. I had finally gained independence after sobriety, and quitting wasn’t an option.
Besides, it wasn’t the job that was the challenge. It was me…
Me and my Sunday blues.
Sundays came with anticipatory anxiety that made it hard to enjoy anything. The mere thought of Monday was haunting. 😣
It was a constant reminder that I had to go into the office and converse with my coworkers.
And this was so unusual for me in the workplace.
In the past, I had jobs where I could come to work, sit at a desk, set up a station, or stand at a register. Simple.
But this was different. This required official staff meetings, mandatory outings, work events, and board presentations.
I had never had a job that required so much interaction, and not just to complete the work. Socializing and watercooler chats were a regular, normal, expected activity.
What is this place?
But here’s the real question…
Yes, I was learning how to live in sobriety. Yes, I had spent the last 20 months isolating in a transitional program. But when did I get social anxiety?
I shared at program meetings, I shared at NA meetings, and I shared in group therapy. This wasn’t my first time speaking in a group setting.
But also, it wasn’t the same.
In those situations, cross-sharing wasn’t allowed, so no one was actually responding to me. It wasn’t a conversation.
At work, conversations were mandatory to get the job done. It required me to respond and know what I was talking about…so I thought.
But there I was, working at a small nonprofit with 7 other staff members, terrified to speak in meetings.
The anxiety would be so intense that it felt like my body was shaking on the inside. 😰
I had never had my body be so consumed and flooded with fear from speaking with people in the workplace.
I didn’t know what to do, but I couldn’t keep calling out. I only had so much PTO, and at one point, it had gone too far into the negative.
Working on social anxiety wasn’t an option because I didn’t even understand that I was experiencing it.
But at some point, I got the idea to stop thinking about Mondays on Sundays.
No picking out what I’m wearing…
No packing bags the night before…
No pondering on upcoming events.
Now don’t get me wrong—if I had to get something done before Monday, I would. But otherwise…
I decided to deal with Monday on Monday morning and not a minute sooner.
And guess what happened?
When Monday came, I didn’t have time to think about what I was dreading. I had to get up, get dressed, and get to work.
I started enjoying every moment of my Sundays and relishing my day off. Sunday no longer signaled work tomorrow. Sunday was living for today.
I was learning to stay in the moment.
To stop anticipating events that cause me distress.
To stop worrying about things I can’t do anything about.
To stop sitting in anxiety and enjoy what’s in front of me.
Because here’s the thing…
Focusing on future discomfort was causing me to suffer in the present.
There was nothing I could do about the feelings I might have on Monday.
There was nothing I could do about the conversations I might have on Monday.
Because there was nothing I could do about the dreadful staff meeting that came every. single. Monday.
As sure as the sun rises, it would be there waiting for me.
But not on Sundays.
I reclaimed Sundays for myself, and Monday’s staff meeting didn’t exist until it did. Literally.
It was just a thought…a thought I didn’t have to acknowledge until it became my reality. I freed myself and took great pleasure in knowing that I didn’t have to face anything right now.
Right now, I could enjoy a movie in peace without the threat of Monday lurking in the background. It was as if that moment was the only moment that existed…because it was.
I would completely forget about work until my alarm clock went off the next day.
No more Sunday blues! 🥳
As for social anxiety…
Eventually, it didn’t hit so hard, but I remained uncomfortable for a long time. I spent years outside my comfort zone for 40 hours a week. But little did I know…
This new, uncomfortable environment was my personal training ground. And years later…
Monday staff meetings weren’t so dreadful. More often than not, they were joyful. 😊
Have you ever dreaded something this much?
Share in the comments. Let’s chat about it.